On the move

So I'm on the move again. This time I'm not moving away from HK, but only away from HK Island to Lantau Island (Mui Wo). I've finally come home, but I'm leaving home in no time at all. I guess as my friend said there's no return once the journey has started - I have after all isolated myself long enough.

It comes as a surprise to many of my friends both the fact of living out without a full-time job and moving to a rather remote place. But I have, for once, swiftly have this decision, as if the wind was taking me there. I am quite keen and sanguinely hopeful that the turning of this page will mark the beginning of a more interesting and fulfilling chapter of my life. There will be mountains to climb, trails to explore, and a breeze to awaken my soul :)

Of course a housewarming party will follow!

來到今天

人没事做,就想多了.
想的就是过了这些日子,终于回到家了. 从离家的那一天开始,一直都很想回来; 到回来之后,发现虽然家人都一样疼我,但我深知自己是已经长大了,还是想起那一句我表姐赠我的: 路是自己走的,别期望其他人可以帮你.家庭担子该开始肩负, 不过负担不起. 很快我得搬离老家,回到香港这么一年将是过渡期,因为很快要搭上人生另外一条路. 回来自己荣升了成为表舅,是喜事,不过却没有原来预期的喜悦感.

读了这么多年书,来到今天, 还是得多读一年.离家已经四年,来到今天,还是得预备下一次的离开.

想的就是庆幸很多朋友都很重情,离开时依依不舍,来到今天,原来情还在,大家仍是如昨天的好朋友.就算是环境有变,大家生活的交叉点少了,可是有缘千里能相会,毕竟有心跟我聚一下,心里是很高兴的.

由一个人孤身离开香港,来到今天,有小宝作伴回归香港, 是莫大的福分.

见了一些朋友,发现过了几年,还是很有抱负,热诚,我感到很骄傲:) 自己也在审视,反思中,感觉是制造了许多借口给自己...

而且,来到今天,皮肤还是那么糟.真郁闷.

不知怎的,心里有种不安感.

人生免不了离合,家人,朋友,情人可能也是,大概来到今天也不等于是一个充分的理由去抗衡转变.来到今天,还是得去适应已发生的改变,为明天的改变去预备,

another blow...

as with many of my entries i tend to write one when i have the least time to do so. i've got two more essays to write in the next couple of days... i'm fortunately still determined to get through them somehow.

today i had a bit of a blow by a tutor literally telling me off for saying 'it's nonsense' a couple of times, emphatically and how i've made an unforgivable fundamental mistake about the law. i must have worn a blank expression, and i was desperately trying to hide away. it was rather depressing to hear a comment directed at myself in a tutorial on this level--and one that was sadly, rightly deserved. I admittedly got it wrong for various reasons. the first one i read something not critically enough - taking some old instrument for its accurate reflection of the law haha, so much for my legal training... and the second one i couldn't remember the answer and made some stuff up. never pretend to know something you don't, but i never learnt that. i don't blame him because i agree with the chinese saying that insults come from others only after one has insulted himself. for the egregious errors i made i deserved nothing but a very rightful pointer.

i had and still have hard feelings indeed, and kept asking myself why my emotions would betray my rationality (i need to work and can't afford to feel sorry for myself anymore.) i just felt really ashamed of myself >< the feeling is sour and bitter. during the tutorial i told myself to be proactive, and prove myself ... all the positive things i could think of. if he thinks i'm shit i should show that i can do better... i'd like to say i couldn't care less but i really do.

and as i slowly reflected in the back of my mind i realised this whole year i'd been trying very hard to avoid the law, and made up lots of excuses not to work. i blamed everything without really looking at myself. Now i see myself through his words - it's probably been a lot of nonsense. i have only myself to blame for all this...

maybe this blow has come rather late. it came last year quite early with a friendly and kindly phrased reminder of my state of work from an eminent professor. that was definitely what pushed me to work hard. this year this 'overdue' blow has finally arrived. i'm not sure much can be done now though.

it's not really a big deal i guess. 'mistake is the mother of success'. ha ha ha. nonsense is the mother of wisdom perhaps.

when life is good

The last few months were probably the best time of my years at oxford :) I had lots of fun and my life was more eventful than it had ever been here - as it slowly takes on a new meaning.

Siu-Po and I went to Paris :) which was a fantastic break and saw quite a bit of art and culture.



(that last one on the right corner was me and Van Gogh)






That was a memorable moment on a remarkable bridge.


colourful days :)


and nice walks along the meadows. I want to see the daffodils again...








and some snow ball games.

too much fun these days - saw two musicals too: the phantom of the opera and the les miserables. i'm going to see two operas: Acis and Galatea, and Dido and Aeneas at Covent Garden.

Quite a bit of swimming and squash :) I'm trying to keep fit and use some of my reserve.

Picked up reading again - the sheltering sky by Paul Bowles and the Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. I'm going to read some spanish classics - sound daunting. they have nice names: 'life is a dream' by Pedro Calderon de la Barca, and the Trickster of Seville by Tirso de Molina. Should be fun....

yes and i'm trying ** (emphasis added) to work and learn lots and lots about the law.

and i should avoid thinking too much as well. Just live in the moment ^^

lottery

i have read enough about how outcomes of legal cases can be a matter of lottery - there are always certain thresholds which determine the outcome (as far as establishing causation is concerned). In a civil case, it's the balance of probabilities (more than 50% chance), whereas in a criminal case, it's proof beyond reasonable doubt. The pressure point is on that very line. if it's 49.999% it's still somewhere short of 50%, and blame the statisticians whoever are responsible for the unfortunate gap. There's occasionally some controversy about where these thresholds should be drawn. Many people say it's a matter of lottery because it all depends on a lot of circumstantial factors which could be determined completely by chance. Say the evidence that can be and has been unearthed, the nature of the incident, the reasonableness of the judgment of the judge and jury....

And it's actually so true of life in general. it's all determined by chances. The extent to which human behaviour plays out is like the number of lots you draw and which areas you draw from and whether you put in the right box, or whether you have some magic sure win ticket etc. every time we make a decision we're drawing a lot. in fact every moment of life involves drawing a lot of lots. if i were a mathematician, i would definitely work on probabilities.

maybe thats why decisions can be so important because they can change your chances to different extent. they can be life changing experiences, or they can be completely futile mundane steps to take in life..... whether guided by your autonomy they could make a world of difference, and they could also be of complete irrelevance because your lots might totally not count at all.

who has this hand on these lotteries?

how different are go-getters to laid back-ors, really?

can there be more equality of chances? hm.... food for thought.

Sunshine

today the sunshine actually felt warm for the first time in a while. The sunlight shone through the windows into the lovely law bod over the staircase I was ascending. It literally 'dawned' on me (only in the sense of light, not time) that half a year has been spent. I'd like to think this means hope for brighter days to come.

This strange phenomenon of 'fifth week blues' in oxford refers to an inexplicable feeling of depression halfway through an eight-week term, assuming either a hardcore four weeks full of work and no break, and some psychological sadness called blues OR a consistent and continuous failure and procrastination that has built up to incredible stress, guilt, helplessness, and maybe despondency. Shouldn't dramatise this, but it's a very real feeling that comes in most terms. admittedly sounding a bit silly. A friend of mine described it in a very interesting way - the furthest away from two vacations. It's a fairly short term of eight weeks as people would intuitively think, but it's one thats quite intensive enough to create this feeling of prolonged mental and physical exhaustion - yes even though i didn't actually get much work done lol.

Guess what? I got an emergency chocolate for fighting fifth week blues from Lizzie! Thank you!

I'm going to WORK WORK WORK, and enjoy thinking about the law LOL.

Halfway through, and the superb The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: WARNING: SPOILERS

So i'm halfway through today (end of 4th week and beginning of 5th week of Hilary term - second term of the year) but i'm giving myself one day of allowance as transition to prepare myself for a desperate shift back to the right course. I mean to take action to rescue my degree! I've been lazy for too long and it's seriously terrible. I have entertained myself with enough excuses and procrastinated long enough. Yeah time to work, and otherwise i'd feel like hell at the end of the year. cant really face this myself. So this is my resolution - MUST WORK HARD!!!



It's been a month ^^ the first V day was lovely. Thank you.

SP and I saw the Curious Case of Benjamin Button. It was amazing. The picture was fantastic and it would be worth going to the cinema just for that.






(one of the prettiest pics of the film - Daisy dancing in some dim light)











But the story itself is v intriguing. It raises many questions. Imagine the clock turned backwards only for you against a whole world running in a totally different direction. Thats Benjamin Button - a man who ages backwards. As I interpret it, there are three interesting themes: 1. feeling out of place ; 2. timing; 3. eternality






the young Daisy




When he was born, his mother died, and Thomas Button his dad abandoned him after a long run in desperation and confusion. He was born like an old man with a deteriorated body. Maybe it was the combination of both the horrendous aged features on Benjamin's body and the death of his wife that led the father to leave him alone on day 1. So he was born abandoned.

He was abandoned at a very kind family's door and a black lady decided to adopt him and raised him up (in fact originally motivated by the mother's failure to conceive - he was initially only a substitute in some way). He thought he was an old man for quite some time because he grew up in an elderly's home. Ironically, every part of his external appearance resembled an old man, but he was at the same time different from any other old man - he was actually a child. It was an internal contradiction coupled with this external corroborating contrast - nothing seemed to match internally or externally.

He then went on to become a seaman for a few years. He met a woman during that period, but he could only see her during the night in the hotel lobby - it was all in the dark. One day the lady however left with a note saying merely 'it was nice to have met you'.


He went back to Daisy a girl with gorgeous blue eyes he could never forget, and Daisy liked him since she was 7 despite his appearance. But Daisy had grown into a famous dancer in New York and had her own life (her own suitors and everything). He wasn't ready for her, and she was no longer available for him.


An old guy going out with a young girl - whatever love that lies within doesn't matter; it's the external incompatibility that stings. Maybe they could have worked out, but neither of them dared try. maybe they just didnt love each other enough, maybe the obstacle was insurmountable.


Benjamin learnt of Daisy's injuries in Paris, and he found her lying in bed incapacitated. She said he was perfect then - for Benjamin had grown a lot younger into the handsome Brad Pitt look, but poor Daisy had aged a lot and wrinkles started growing, and sadly the inequality was exacerbated by her injuries. She said plainly, 'I don't want to see you, and I don't want your help.' Benjamin left.


After a few years, Daisy came back to find him, and they were still passionately in love with each other. They stayed together happily for a few years - that was the only time when Benjamin's appearance matches Daisy's., and they felt right for each other.


Benjamin said, 'Nothing lasts.' Daisy replied, 'Some things last.' Maybe it would be fine from thereon.


Daisy got pregnant and gave birth to a lovely girl, Caroline, but Benjamin left them behind soon after, because he knew that he was just getting younger and couldn't be a proper father or husband - he wanted to leave before he left an indelible mark.


He started travelling again, this time on his motorbike. It looked really cool, but that belies his underlying loneliness - he has been travelling pretty much his whole life, for the reason that he felt that didn't fit in.



This feeling of not fitting in has stayed with him since his birth, and keeps him away from the people he loves.

After ten years, he came back and he was introduced to his daughter as a family friend. And Daisy was remarried to a terrific father. Though they couldn't be together again, their love for each other hadn't really dwindled. I think at that point, Daisy said to him, 'nothing lasts'.

In a way it seemed like such an irresponsible guy running away from all his responsibilities, but he did it all out of good intentions and partly compelled by his circumstances. It was probably for the better of the family that he did leave......


And later he was found in his old elderly's home, really 'an old person', but looking like a young boy gradually turning into a baby. Daisy went and started looking after him. Ironically, Daisy was like 60 or 70 but Benjamin looked like a boy - it's the contrast to the early scenes where old looking Benjamin met the young lovely Daisy.


Maybe some things really last - he found someone who could unconditionally love him finally. Benjamin also stared at her before he died as a baby - maybe he still remembered her.


How many temporal scales are there in life? We all seem to be living in the same time zone, but are we? Or is it all just apparent reality? If so does it matter?


For Benjamin and Daisy, there was only a very short period when the timing was really right for each other - how transitory. Benjamin tried to escape coz he felt he was out of place, but Daisy came back to support him when he was an old baby. Maybe that shows it doesn't matter after all, and some things do last?

There were a few really touching bits.

Benjamin's father Thomas abandoned him, and he still loved him.

Benjamin abandoned his own child, and he sent her a postcard for every birthday.

Thomas told Benjamin that he was Benjamin's father when he was almost dying.

Caroline (benjamin's daughter) was told that Benjamin was her real father when Daisy (her mother) was dying. All the cards he sent were only read after his death.

Benjamin was born abandoned at someone's doorsteps, but he died in Daisy's arms.....

無奈，委屈，自食其果，自作自受

本來有朋自遠方來，很開心。本來以爲自己可以盡一點力，做一些認爲是該做的事，覺得自己很有用。今天卻體會到有時候，做好人真的會着雷劈。越是用心的去幫一個朋友，但別人可以不但不領情，更要插自己一刀，傷害得越深。自問是純粹的盡力而爲，幫他一下抱不平，居然挨駡，還要問我有沒有孩子，能不能理解家長的顧慮，被人說做成是自己不負責任，不顧後果等。她講的一切，我都已經提醒過她丈夫。很都時候，沒有兩全其美的，要求變，要換自己一個公道，要爭取合理的服務，肯定有風險和代價的。這是他們作爲家長的決定，我從沒想過要干涉，卻成爲了戰靶。心了很是不快，委屈的感覺實在是太難受了。



最近心情真得不太好，覺得很局促，快崩潰了。幸好身邊有很好的朋伴的支持，而且有牛津四周的漂亮的雪景，有減壓的效用。

http://picasaweb.google.com/paddy.wklaw

(牛津的雪景）

我更開始了花錢減壓，買了一塊壁球拍，70% off at £26.99 (discounted from £59.99) good bargain heh?

My second rant about nothing

Sorry ignore this if you dont want to read about my rant.

Disclaimer: I asked for this all because I didn't work hard enough apparently to compensate my brain and physical deficiencies.

The lifestyle of 4 seminars a week was already killing me last term. this term i'm having more tutorial essays to write on top of all these. The reading list for each seminar generally consists of a few hundred pages of reading, and i usually only have a day plus a bit to do each.

The whole evening i have miraculously finished a problem question answer in three hours and a half. i should be very pleased with myself this time because i actually tried to read all the cases (sort of - i realised i missed out a big chunk as i finish it up anyway) - this shows i'm not incorrigibly terrible i guess......and that i really want to rescue my degree. the reason for my suffering: i didnt do the work last term. and this essay means i have to do the work for week 2 of last term (for one of the subjects)... and i haven't read the stuff for the other weeks either...so its going to be fun days this term lol.

okay the reason for my rant: it is actually not the essay in itself.

The last couple of hours after i changed libraries - from the faculty one to my college one at 10pm, just to finish the other half, I was thoroughly tested to the limits of my patience. As soon as I got into the law library and sat down having arranged everything (my laptop, all the books and notes i needed), just as i was about to start, the ceiling began to vibrate coz of some huge party noise right above my room. some idiots are playing loud music and this is really inconsiderate. i already had to bear with a trumpet for much of my second year, and a few days of yuck puke right in front of my room. i had to go to the library to avoid noise, and here i found myself never being able to escape from it.

after i came back, my lovely law fellow students very helpfully made a massive racket just in the room next door. they are still talking and laughing at each other's very good sense of humour in the most appropriate place - the library is for socialising apparently.

okay, guess what? i didn't scream at them. i politely asked the respective parties to do me a massive favour to keep quiet, and i even said sorry guys. The party noise has stopped. the lawyers however are still talking.

Whats worse, the fire alarm sounded four times, each time breaking the chain of thought in my head. Initially i thought it was sirens for a moment. I tried my best to withstand it all nonetheless, but it even changed its tune and I just couldn't bear it.

But I had no choice but to keep writing in the library and finish the essay up despite all this stupidity. it sounded four times. ARGH why does this always happen when i most need a moment of peace and quiet?

Actually this is quite symbolic - noise room as a way of torture. I however 'voluntarily' stayed in the library to listen to this noise. haha i find this quite funny.

My patience is really running out, and I'm sick of it. Oxford is a wonderful place, but does it actually have to drive people crazy?

I still have to read for tomorrow's seminar about subsidies and countervailing measures at 11am. I also have to print out my impressive essay and take it to my tutor's college although it's late. wahaha.

this sums up quite well. theres no choice in my life here. i can only plod on like an automaton. theres no escape. or maybe there's nothing to escape from coz i'm really ranting about nothing. i'm learning heaps (in terms of managing essay crises and controlling my urge to gag people up) and it's all because of my incompetence.

sorry i had to rant.

so here february comes: life in oxford, SNOW, iceland trip

SNOW in OXFORD - a morning walk is always rewarding




Just read about the possible lawsuit by this person called Wang Zhaojun against Sina for taking his post off his blog where he criticised the most sensitive areas of chinese politics (one party rule, falun gong etc). And he said 'I am not afraid to get into trouble because I know that 95 per cent of the Chinese people agree with me.' how feisty and how sad! and i like the figure 95% - i wonder if that refers to the accurate composition of party membership in the Chinese population lol. He has all the admiration I can give, to stick his head out this way against such a controlled environment. The sad bit is how that seems to be the way chinese will continue to behave - accept all the injustices, and i wonder how that subjective agreement will ever translate into a sufficient call for revolution or some sort of political power. maybe the 20 million unemployed migrant workers can join in..... really hope it will be a better year for china after all the disasters last year.

As for myself, so here february comes. i'm still a couple of days behind even in acknowledging the turning of the wheels of time. it's been a good month, and oxford has suddenly become a lot more agreeable and lovely, happy days. (not in terms of work though which is still seriously worrying because i'm catching up with week 2 work of last term - when i started giving up one subject entirely - i feel like heavily in debt). But here i am writing this because i have a god's gift of two hours free time after a bcl seminar on competition law is thankfully cancelled. It's some relief to me.

and now it's snowing. all this white fluffy stuff beating against my face as i took a nice walk around the meadows and the city centre. it's gorgeous though the snow hasn't quite settled yet apart from some patches of white. oxford is apparently less affected by the snow storm than many other parts of the country. fortunately/unfortunately?

life's slightly different now with an amazing companion :) i'm trying to find every chance to escape from studying lol. fun days. so what have i been up to the whole time??

I went back to hk for the break (mainly to take some evil conversion law exams for qualification purposes). i really hope i passed them. fingers crossed.
I went to iceland for a really lovely trip afterwards with Siu Po. A very unique, memorable experience in the most picturesque environment. we saw the northern lights, geysirs, gulfoss waterfalls, crossed the mid-atlantic ridges (the ends of the atlantic and eurasian tetonic plates), bathed in the blue lagoon... that was very relaxing.

And then i came back and had to do turn on my turbo again right away to welcome my 8 week hilary term, and very nicely packed schedule. i'm enjoying my seminars a bit more though am still lagging behind >< nvm. saw a movie (The Reader, absolutely fabulous), had a few drinks, a nice formal dinner with my Swire family and got interrogated at an unfair trial lol, and a few squash sessions, had Annabel visiting, an extended family lunch, went to my third oxcia chinese new year party and a lot of yummy food. and i think i have been showing people my nephew Theo's photos more than anything else. missing him!




happy times.

Swire Party




OXCIA Chinese New Year Party



Siu Po (left) and Annabel (right)

and yes i can finally tie a bow tie!



ICELAND






Mid Atlantic ridge



The Waterfalls


Thats enough procrastination. have to write an essay......

是最後的一次起飛嗎？

既然朋友也問我，何時寫一個比較個人的blog，而現在思潮起伏之際，就寫一下這些日子的感受。

明天早上又要在起飛了，心裏的感觸是，這將會是最後一次嗎？三年前飛往異地時，只記得自己哭成淚人，因爲要離開，放下的是太多，太多，心裏很是捨不得。慢慢變得習慣了，告訴自己，我越來越堅強了，很多事情都是可以的，都是可能的，不過不是可盼的。人要遇到一些經歷才會長大，失去過才能學會珍惜，自己還在慢慢地理解，體會箇中的道理。到了今天，原來已經過了這麽的一段時間了，明早又再囘到英國去，不知道會怎樣，只是心裏的感覺仿佛又回到最初，可能心理的恐懼沒有了，因爲覺得自己長大了，但是很不想離開香港，情緒都失控了。我想我這次是太感動了。

其實，還是有這麽一個問號，因爲我不知道這是否最後的一次，我知道就算是什麽事情，我都可以盡力，勇敢地面對，只是我老是被同樣的人生心理的矛盾所困擾，在這方面可沒怎麽成長。

這次回來就是考那一些試，我已經很厭倦這樣的生活，這樣的人生，從頭到晚都是忙忙碌碌的， 天昏地暗的學習了一整年，回到香港還是要考試，我要的是這些麽？是理性與感性，任性與責任之爭，可笑吧？

是的，都是一番的胡思亂想。有位朋友說得對：是富貴病。

我根本就是超級的幸運，最好的早就得到了。身邊很好的一切，我想好好珍惜，起碼用心吧，但現在我很累，很想任性地，什麽都不管。烏雲過後，總有晴天。

我自問也是盡量去理解朋友的處境，想法，可能是壓抑了太久了，不料我在最後一天一發不可收拾，我終於忍不住了。

a new year

The morning of 1st Jan was greeted with some amazing rejuvenating sunshine and a nice blue sky. I hope this signals a bright year ahead for everyone. i didn't spend new years eve in hk in the last few years and last year i was watching two movies at home. this year i hung out with my school friends after midnight for a late dessert round. and after being prompted to do a review i also quietly undertook a review of 2008 in bed.

A year can be just a number, but there are also so many memories underneath this innocent number. My friend said it was a generally good year for him, and i found myself instinctively saying my year has been a terrible one except for the graduation. I was a bit startled by my own response, a very negative one.

Maybe i can blame it on oxford again lol how this place has depressed me and crowned me with such a negative outlook. as another friend said, no one seems to understand what we've been through. i have very little faith in people understanding each other - we can only try i guess.

Worse still it was probably an unnecessary negative emotion, without reason, without even a plausible explanation. i tend to overanalyse things and think about the same questions for my whole life. dont really want to go into it but i'm glad 2008 is finally over. i have been waiting long enough.

the more important realisation my quiet reflections gave me was how incredibly lucky and annoying i am. I have a most amazing amazing amazing amazing family and loads of great great great great friends. I have really good opportunities and everything can be regarded as plain sailing for me all along i suppose. I probably have everything i can possibly need but theres still this ridiculous lingering unhappiness. I really have nothing to complain about, and must** be a better person to deserve all this great fortune. and thats my new year resolution. I should stop fretting over nothing, and I should be a 'better' man.

This is to say thank you for everyone who has been bearing with me for so long.

More thoughts on visit to SGSS

A few very clever students were honest and sweet. Amongst many others, the favourite opening line of some presentations was 'I love your blog' and 'your blog is very meaningful' - which can't be more sincere - followed by a stark, powerful remark that 'your blog is boring' (with some helpful and constructive suggestions for improvement). I tried to humour them a bit and it was a lot of fun talking to them. Sorry if it is boring, i'm really very bad at cracking gags and promoting something - advertising is the one job i can never do i think.

Many of them actually engaged in the substantive issues esp cookery lessons, English education, art classes, student counselling, etc - but surprisingly nobody talked about equality which I think is the SINGULARLY MOST VALUABLE part of Finnish education. It is entirely due to the neglect and sloppiness in my organisation and presentation of the blog and only natural how they ended up getting attracted to the ones with more pictures.

I was surprised how much attention they showed to details in my blog - what an amazing ability to be able to pick up everything and describe it all accurately. It was very clear they had had a good read - thank you.

I was even more surprised when a good few of them had questions for me AND expressed their opinions about what they had read on my blog as well as their own education. I really hope this will help them to think about what kind of education they want for themselves, and GO FOR WHATEVER THEY WANT TO ACHIEVE :)

Some thoughts after a visit to my beloved SGSS

So I stepped foot in my alma mater again and this time I had some really interesting interaction with students from 2B, 4D and 5D. Firstly thank you Kristina for giving me the opportunity to come back and share, on top of your support and insight all along. I came with an 'official' purpose to respond to feedback on my blog and a secret informal twofold motivation of inspiring some of my juniors in my limited capacity and seeking a personal answer that might better inform my own future.

(Yes perhaps contrary to what the students might have thought, my real aim was not to talk about finnish education at all - rather i wanted to get everyone to think about what kind of education they would like as students - and that the defects in the system can to a large extent be remedied by putting in more effort themselves and knowing where they are heading towards.)

And I left SGSS feeling impressed by the promise I saw in many students I met. As much as I am naive at heart, I wish to draw on the wisdom from naruto manga how responsibility should be entrusted to the young generations - with full trust in their ability to surpass the previous generations. I certainly feel that many of them are capable of surpassing their predecessors if they apply themselves to it.

I also saw a lot of life in the young faces - they remind me of the many different stages i have been through, and how my attitudes and beliefs have changed over time. (though my look has remained as young and annoyingly immature as ever). I long for that carefree spirit, the determination and the goal I once had.

Boys and girls, I walked out realising I had learnt a lot from talking to you. I got many interesting and sincere presentations and questions from you. I genuinely appreciate all the effort that everyone has put in and thank you all for bearing with me. And your feedback has been stimulating - I seriously struggled to answer. Quite a number of you really led me to explore further and articulate my ideas much better. Thank you :)

Rant about nothing 1

Over the past few weeks, I've been thinking of setting up an anonymous blog called 'Rant'. But I might as well write them here so people can commiserate, pity or despise me. This is the sixth sunday when i feel like a Perpetual Laggard - four seminars this week + a tutorial. And I still haven't done the minimum reading for one of the seminars. I have another journal to read through, a problem to do, three chapters to read + many more cases i'm supposed to have gone through and understood. Tomorrow I'll just find out how I'm the only one who's struggling (yes ironically when I'm supposed to be the one who shouldn't be.)

It feels really annoying that I'm lagging behind and more worryingly i'm getting used to it. I just go through the motions of reading, and the past five weeks i don't feel that i've been learning much. It's sad but the past few weeks seminars haven't been very inspiring at all, and my mind still lays dormant. In competition law language, my tiny brain is having a 'quiet life', and there's little innovation capacity and motivation. (I don't mean i'm a monopolist, but i've excluded myself from the competitive world here.) I suppose i came back to want to learn something, and I thought I was ready again. Apparently I'm clearly not 'up to speed', and to say the least not really tuned in at all. My attitude so far has actually been despicable. It also felt really bad that i'm back at square one. I'm supposed to have gone through so much essay training, but my first tutorial showed how much of an idiot I remain, and my English is still so crap. why, why have i bothered to come on this path to a world I struggle so hard to survive in? this is such an amazing opportunity, but amazing for what?

Oh so much for my breakthroughs that were so well intended. I wanted to do something different in my last year, but I can't believe I'm not finding my feet at all. Things are so detached, yet familiar. I'm completely not in control of my life. It's like a hot balloon that has run out of gas and is being taken wherever by the currents of the wind (and the clouds, stars, moon, and the intimidating sun aren't exactly in a position to do anything about it). I know i'm sounding really weird.

But I know things will get better. I'll manage somehow. I don't really want to be a loser and waste all these wonderful opportunities around me. I know I am interested. It's only a matter of sitting down and doing it. Like this blog, I've been meaning to write more and more, but i've been putting it off for far too long. There's so much I meant to put up here. But having so much to rush for and the deadlines to meet doesn't quite help. i know please don't point out the truth that i'm just completely escaping from reality and procrastinating without end.

I'd like to thank though, the many amazing angels around me who have been lifting me up every now and then - the wind beneath my flagging disappearing wings.

There was one amazing coincidence this friday. It was a most romantic kind of setting, when I was about to get off the coach with a rather weary body (after a fantastic, yet brief visit to london for Annabel's bday party), I saw one of my best friends in oxford M sitting there. It was like OH MY GOD, and I felt like crying. Unnecessarily sentimental i know, but u know, people cross paths with each other and don't realise until the point of farewell that they've been together in some way. So close, yet so intangible.

I must wake up and get on with it. must i?

A small update, and a big thank you

I have now formally settled in for my final year at Oxford. Things are pretty familiar--and nostalgic. I spent the evening setting up my room rather than doing my reading. These show the amazing things and kind wishes that my family and friends have given me all these years. I thank you all for being so supportive, and walking along with me.

It helps a lot to know that I'm not alone, I think this is what kept me going for so long.

Term is finally going to start, and I'd better get on with my work as well. i'll be a fresher all over, and it is going to be a fun year working away.

A new beginning

So I've finally refurbished my blog with a nicer picture that symbolises the breadth of a whole new world out there to explore.

I can feel that I'm reawakening now lol. The last few weeks since I came back to HK from oxford, and then the exams, and the trip, and a two-week void, I think I've been worn out somewhat. The previous year has indeed spent all my energy and enthusiasm, and all this is really my post-oxford syndrome. The actual workload has physically increased my headaches and the readjustment is slowly coming by now - yes i'm settling in HK again (though I'm about to leave again)... A chat with Ray has clarified this stage that i'm going through - a feeling of being constricted and stifled within the confines of HK (its lifestyle, mentality, climate, physical conditions etc). There's been pressure from different sources which I haven't had to deal with for a long time when I was abroad, and now all of it came together. In other words my excuses of being abroad and having finals to work towards (amongst others) are gone.

I am also feeling that what I have acquired and learnt, all the insights and beliefs seem to be slowly fading away - yes already in such a short time. I really don't want my passions and ideas to die away, so I must revamp this blog and recreate a new world. It doesn't have to sound so cheezy but I like this phrase, and it sounds better lol.

This blog was originally dedicated to intellectual exchange of ideas and sharing of experience. I have evidently not done enough to promote this blog, let alone having abandoned it for so long. But I agree that the internet is the way to go, and it's 21st century after all... I'm in particular interested in education (and predisposed towards ranting about my life), but anything is welcome here.

PLEASE WRITE.

After a long break

It's been a while since I last wrote here. A few things have happened.

1. finals
2. leaving ox
3. conversion exams in HK
4. graduation trip with family in ox, london, Paris and Berlin
5. got a chance to go back to ox for the BCL
6. my little education project about HK and Finland

I've come back to HK for a week now and it's probably the first real break i've had for a rather long time. All along the last couple of years, there's been quite a lot of (very normal) pressure on me regarding studies and job-hunting. In the back of my mind I knew that there was something I had to do and time was a scarcity. I have been sleeping loads these days and am feeling lazier than ever - so sluggish that I don't want to do anything, see anyone, or even the easiest things like making calls. I'm only teaching students out of necessity, and my passivity becomes dominant again. My motivation for everything has dwindled except sports, reading and teaching perhaps. Maybe it's also because I had been alone for too long - I am finding it difficult to actually get used to the lifestyle in HK and seeing my old friends again. There are always plenty of excuses. I hope this doesn't mean i've become an irritable snob who has alienated everyone. I'm just feeling a bit weird, nothing seems to interest me at all. Everythings a spot of bother.

I should describe this syndrome as mental disorder, not very creative. I think I need a proper break away from everything. I need to get away! ARGH!

I NEED TO GET BACK MY DRIVE AND MOTIVATION.

Breakthrough

Very pleased :) finally won a game against this thinking machine.

If you like a game yourself, go to

http://turbulence.org/spotlight/thinking/chess.html




These days haven't really updated much mainly because of the engulfing nature of the legal beast. I wish there was some similar breakthrough with my revision - now it's April, and only 7 and a half weeks to finals. It will all be over very soon - that's three years...

I hope my friend can get through this challenge as well. may the force be with you.

THE LAKE DISTRICT

Grasmere lake




























































































A wonderful place