Monday, 4 May 2009

another blow...

as with many of my entries i tend to write one when i have the least time to do so. i've got two more essays to write in the next couple of days... i'm fortunately still determined to get through them somehow.

today i had a bit of a blow by a tutor literally telling me off for saying 'it's nonsense' a couple of times, emphatically and how i've made an unforgivable fundamental mistake about the law. i must have worn a blank expression, and i was desperately trying to hide away. it was rather depressing to hear a comment directed at myself in a tutorial on this level--and one that was sadly, rightly deserved. I admittedly got it wrong for various reasons. the first one i read something not critically enough - taking some old instrument for its accurate reflection of the law haha, so much for my legal training... and the second one i couldn't remember the answer and made some stuff up. never pretend to know something you don't, but i never learnt that. i don't blame him because i agree with the chinese saying that insults come from others only after one has insulted himself. for the egregious errors i made i deserved nothing but a very rightful pointer.

i had and still have hard feelings indeed, and kept asking myself why my emotions would betray my rationality (i need to work and can't afford to feel sorry for myself anymore.) i just felt really ashamed of myself >< the feeling is sour and bitter. during the tutorial i told myself to be proactive, and prove myself ... all the positive things i could think of. if he thinks i'm shit i should show that i can do better... i'd like to say i couldn't care less but i really do.

and as i slowly reflected in the back of my mind i realised this whole year i'd been trying very hard to avoid the law, and made up lots of excuses not to work. i blamed everything without really looking at myself. Now i see myself through his words - it's probably been a lot of nonsense. i have only myself to blame for all this...

maybe this blow has come rather late. it came last year quite early with a friendly and kindly phrased reminder of my state of work from an eminent professor. that was definitely what pushed me to work hard. this year this 'overdue' blow has finally arrived. i'm not sure much can be done now though.

it's not really a big deal i guess. 'mistake is the mother of success'. ha ha ha. nonsense is the mother of wisdom perhaps.