Sunday, 16 November 2008

Rant about nothing 1

Over the past few weeks, I've been thinking of setting up an anonymous blog called 'Rant'. But I might as well write them here so people can commiserate, pity or despise me. This is the sixth sunday when i feel like a Perpetual Laggard - four seminars this week + a tutorial. And I still haven't done the minimum reading for one of the seminars. I have another journal to read through, a problem to do, three chapters to read + many more cases i'm supposed to have gone through and understood. Tomorrow I'll just find out how I'm the only one who's struggling (yes ironically when I'm supposed to be the one who shouldn't be.)

It feels really annoying that I'm lagging behind and more worryingly i'm getting used to it. I just go through the motions of reading, and the past five weeks i don't feel that i've been learning much. It's sad but the past few weeks seminars haven't been very inspiring at all, and my mind still lays dormant. In competition law language, my tiny brain is having a 'quiet life', and there's little innovation capacity and motivation. (I don't mean i'm a monopolist, but i've excluded myself from the competitive world here.) I suppose i came back to want to learn something, and I thought I was ready again. Apparently I'm clearly not 'up to speed', and to say the least not really tuned in at all. My attitude so far has actually been despicable. It also felt really bad that i'm back at square one. I'm supposed to have gone through so much essay training, but my first tutorial showed how much of an idiot I remain, and my English is still so crap. why, why have i bothered to come on this path to a world I struggle so hard to survive in? this is such an amazing opportunity, but amazing for what?

Oh so much for my breakthroughs that were so well intended. I wanted to do something different in my last year, but I can't believe I'm not finding my feet at all. Things are so detached, yet familiar. I'm completely not in control of my life. It's like a hot balloon that has run out of gas and is being taken wherever by the currents of the wind (and the clouds, stars, moon, and the intimidating sun aren't exactly in a position to do anything about it). I know i'm sounding really weird.

But I know things will get better. I'll manage somehow. I don't really want to be a loser and waste all these wonderful opportunities around me. I know I am interested. It's only a matter of sitting down and doing it. Like this blog, I've been meaning to write more and more, but i've been putting it off for far too long. There's so much I meant to put up here. But having so much to rush for and the deadlines to meet doesn't quite help. i know please don't point out the truth that i'm just completely escaping from reality and procrastinating without end.

I'd like to thank though, the many amazing angels around me who have been lifting me up every now and then - the wind beneath my flagging disappearing wings.

There was one amazing coincidence this friday. It was a most romantic kind of setting, when I was about to get off the coach with a rather weary body (after a fantastic, yet brief visit to london for Annabel's bday party), I saw one of my best friends in oxford M sitting there. It was like OH MY GOD, and I felt like crying. Unnecessarily sentimental i know, but u know, people cross paths with each other and don't realise until the point of farewell that they've been together in some way. So close, yet so intangible.

I must wake up and get on with it. must i?

1 comment:

aLVie said...

hey paddy, long time no talk. saw your blog link on msn and decided to check it out hehe. how's masters treating you? are you going home this xmas, otherwise you should come down to london and catch up with von and i! =D